trust fall

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For a moment I swear I was flying.  Cradled by the air I hung in suspension, held in that pocketed ballon that dancers are addicted to.  I was weightless…then breathless.  My body came smacking, hips first, into the ground and the wind rushed out of me like a bubble with a rock on it.  Confusion, then quick surprise, and dread of imminent pain inundated my brain, emotions angrily mobbing one on top of another, each demanding my undivided attention and the cells coiled within my skull swirled out from the center like a miniature big bang theory.  Knees shrinking into my chest to relieve the anchored hip, my ability to shift without triggering any shooting pain assured me that my pelvis was not shattered.  Score.  Faces circled around my folded figure as I asthmatically mouthed I’m fine I’m fine, really in a way that made me seem very un-fine.  Twenty seconds later, ice packs lined my left side and I was laughing sadistically at my own misfortune.

I have talked about falling before, but never have I collided so forcefully with the floor that another dancer looked down at me in horror, tears fighting at the gates.  She had seen the entire plunge transpire, from my squatted take off, to the five-foot high jeté, to the precarious flip and, ultimately, the aforementioned (is it too soon to brand it “infamous”?) body slam.  Cringe-worthy to say the least, but I got lucky; Just a bit bruised up and slightly embarrassed…or so I thought…

It really is true that there are times in this career where your personal life starts to echo your professional life- almost to a fault.  Bruce Marks said, “There are falls that happen when you dance fully…and that’s worth it.”  I’m sure you are all sick to death of the depressing nature of this blog as of late, so I’ll keep this as short as possible;  I have learned a lot in the past few months, and one of the most important lessons thus far has been this:  Being honest with yourself is vital.  Personal integrity builds a trust within one’s self and when this trust grows strong enough, a safe space is built.  This space allows for self-reliance, physically and emotionally.  Use this personal integrity liberally, cultivate it frequently, and trust only you with its care.  When it comes time to trust another with something as sacred as this safe space, do, but do so carefully.  Remember, when you dance, live, and love fully, you are likely to fall, and it may not always be the good kind of falling.

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