a purview breakthrough

It’s a Monday and the first day of May, so seems like as good an excuse as any to do a little written manifestation.

Ugh, did you roll your eyes when you read the last word of that sentence? I sorta rolled my eyes when I typed it. “Manifestation” has become so overused, it’s starting to feel like a bad pop song you can’t escape. Is there a Top 40 of colloquialisms?

But alas…there’s no other word to describe the mental exercise I’m practicing now…the gathering of goals, visceral contemplation of where I am, where I want to be, where I will be, and placing those thoughts in the present. The act of living as though your dream reality already exists here and now.

I am being paid to write. I am dancing in the company of artists I admire. I’m marrying my best friend. Home isn’t a place, but a relationship with myself. I feel an overwhelming sense of freedom, a feeling that I should lean into, rather than run from. Let’s expand on that…

I always knew the day would come when I would leave FBP. The day I would retire from “company life” has always been eminent. Yes, I pictured it. I pictured a big stage, a romantic full length ballet, a dramatic “death” on stage. Roses. Tears. Hugs.

I imagined myself turning to the company after the final curtain and thanking them for carrying me through the finish line. I imagined taking bows, photos, deep breaths…

I also imagined a feeling of emptiness. There’s a reason this vision of my final bow always felt ominous. It was always accompanied by my imagination of the next day. The morning after, when I was stripped of my “Dancer” title. A lack of identity, a body stuck in limbo, still living but no longer useful in the way it once was. No longer “important”. No longer purposeful if not on display as art.

But things happened much differently than how I’d pictured. Not only did I not have the big final bow, the dramatic full length, the applause, the roses…I also did not have the empty pit, the useless body, the identity crisis. A closed chapter has actually turned the page onto a new chapter of life- and one that still includes my Self as a Dancer.

Yes, I’m still dancing. No, not every day. No, not in a company. But still in a professional way- in pursuit of bettering my technique, maintaining performance shape, even challenging my artistic identity. In the pursuit of another professional job, another circle of artists, another chance to dance. Now I take class because I want to. And it’s helpful to know that I do! After 13 years of company class, you do start to wonder whether or not you ever enjoyed the ritual of class…

Sometimes you just need a change in the scenery.

A studio with windows. A class with a view.

A new set of teachers, a new set of tools.

A shift in perspective, a purview breakthrough.

A new chapter began even before the last one ended. I started writing. Started living in the new. Which brings us back to our May Monday Morning Manifestation. A feeling of Freedom. Things Falling into place.

Happy Monday, Happy May. The last week of April was all showers, literal and metaphorical. Bring on the flowers, I’m ready to Bloom.

photos by Jon Doucette

2 thoughts on “a purview breakthrough

  1. went to FBP last night and was surprised not to see you dancing, then I thought about it and was not really surprised, Comes a time and we all know in our hearts and minds when. Life changes,,,you are always a dancer no matter…what you have learned and gone through will always be a part of you .Best wishes on your next adventure in this trip we call life.

    • Oh Ellie, I would have so loved to see you! Very sad it didn’t work out, but this is certainly not the end of the dancing road for me. Thank you for the words of encouragement! xx

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